26 February 2016

And so it begins...


Teamwork baby, it's all about teamwork really.

Have something in your teeth? Need someone to hold your hand while you cross the street? Need someone to hold your hair (or beard) while you're throwing up? Think you can build that table, paint those models and play those games all on your own?

REALLY?

Teamwork it is I tell you.

And because the internet can offer you a vast array of goodness from cat musicians to repulsive sexual intercourse between humans and other things, we've decided to raise the whole level by uniting the most handsome gamers and modellists around to provide the finest quality hobby blog to the world.

But who are these hobbyists ? Well just take a look :





JB ASSLESSMAN as seen on LEADPLAGUE

A thousand years ago, in a far off land called Japan, a weaponsmith forged a katana so sharp it sliced the very fabric of space-time when he tested it, opening a portal to France in the early 80's, carving through the Alps with a boner-shattering sound of lighting and electric guitars and sent a wave of pure sexual metal directly into the crotch of an unsuspecting Frenchman.

That man went on to sire a fine strapping son who was imbued with the might of both heavy metal and ancient warfare. That son was known as the Asslessman.

With the hot licks of aural electricity setting his neural passages alight, JB Assless is a force to be reckoned with in the miniature hobby. His natural in-born attraction to heavy metals has forged him into a lean mean paint-slaying machine, fuelled by high octane graphic novel inhalation and imbibing the sweet tangy liquor of Jes Goodwin sweat. You better straddle his awesome hobby girth... or get out of his way.


AXIOM as seen on MAGPIE AND OLD LEAD

"He bathes in old Citadel lead; he uses Blanche and Ackland original artworks as cutting boards when cooking; he's never bought anything other than coffee at Lenton's HQ..."

All of these are but rumours, and despite being nothing but the sordid truth, they're hardly more than the tip of the iceberg. What extortion, blackmailing and occasional slavery didn't bring him, he owes to talent, skill, generosity and an enthusiasm that lifts him above the mire where average people dwell.

At the avant-garde of hair fashion, paper modelling and extreme sports, Axiom still finds the time and energy to be a leading figure of a hobby that holds few secrets left for him. 'Be Good' seems like Axiom's postulate for everything but the cold hard reality might very well be he's already the best...


ANTIPIXI as seen on ANTIPIXI'S HOBBY BLOG

Antipixi was so named when he took part in the infamous 'Fey People' wars during the 5th age. As a mercenary of the Bush Elves he used pure maths to induce cranial implosions within the Pixie elite guard. Tiring of the slaughter he retired from the mercenary life and coached Bloodbowl for many years, leading teams to victory up and down the land of Albion and gained fame when he rescued a fair maiden from the Dragon lands.

While the sport of head-kicking still holds a grip of his heart he has moved on to conquering the Lord of decay and travelled into the future to destroy the warbands of cat people that threaten the development of the human race. He currently sits upon a throne of pure thought and destroys the minds of the rebellious dwarves that dare to enter his kingdom.



CAPTAIN CROOKS as seen on the FUNKY WENIS RODEO

Is he a man, is he a bear, is he an angel? Or is he half man, half bear and half angel (or Manbeargel)? Nobody truly knows, but the creature known as Captain Crooks has slowly but steadily started to make the world around him a realm of wonders.

Sometimes roaming the earthly planes of reality under the disguise of a man called James, the Captain unleashes treasures of heroism, humour and outrageous colours (battered and deep fried then served with shrimps on the side) to all.

There is yet to be found a model he won't get or a kit he won't use, for his appetite for a life kitbashed with all sorts of parts (mostly involving plastic, lead, glue and body-hair dipped in chocolate) is second to none.

To come on board the Captain's ship is like getting a hug from the sweatiest teddy bear with the smell and private parts of a man; it feels awkward but so bloody right.


CHEETOR as seen on SHO3BOX

Sometimes, when you encounter an android in a social situation, you can find yourself unnerved by the waxy blemish-free synth-skin, or the low whisper of hidden servos. Not so with a Robodyne CH3340R, often affectionately known as ‘cheetor’.

OK, the epidermis is largely hairless, apart from the implants covering the scalp, but a ‘cheetor’ has many sophisticated, almost human qualities to its programming: it can imitate a range of regional accents, mimic fashion sense (roughly equating to Berlin, c1984), draw detailed emotional flow-charts and exhibit seemingly erotic responses to barely-clad cartoon characters.

The most commonly-noted characteristic of a ‘cheetor’, is the fondness for miniature felines. In models nearing the 40 year design life, this can manifest itself to almost obsessive levels - you can find a ‘cheetor’ lavishing hours of attention on a new 12mm-long specimen (nose to tail). The resulting figurine is often garishly painted in My Little Pony-esque colours of powder blue, puff pink, or cerise.

If you are looking for an unobtrusive, yet mildly eccentric model, you would do well to try and track down a CH3340R.


JUST JOHN as seen on TABLETOP HEROES & VILLAINS

"If someone is writing about John and needs something positive to say...erm... his wife is lovely."

"He has a great spined dragon."

"Yeah, and two great dogs and two great cats!"

"He has all the epic tyranids and all the halflings, and I mean ALL the halflings."

"His mate Warren is cool."

"His cats ride the dogs around the grounds when visitors come like ancient Steppes horsemen, blowing trumpets and scattering rose petals from little hempen bags attached to fine leather saddles."

"Shit, really?"

"For real man, yeah."


MR SATURDAY as seen on MR SATURDAY'S MUMBLINGS

Mr Saturday first entered the public eye as the precocious son of televisions most famous Voodoo evangelist Papa Sixgun Saturday. His childlike enthusiasm and high pitched voice pierced our hearts and minds for nearly a decade before he sunk into relative obscurity following his father's controversial revelation that he was in fact a strict protestant vicar.

In the intervening years Saturday has drifted from job to job, hobo-like, driving gypsy cabs, moonlighting as a mob dentist and selling his sweet hams on the streets of Bangkok.

Now he designs and paints miniatures and damn, he is good. Few mortals will take on an Olley fold with his style and panache and still have their sanity intact at the end, and he will pop out a mean squat on request. Mr Saturday, ladies and gentlemen.


THEOTTOVONBISMARK as seen on THEOTTOVONBISMARK

“Off Broadway”. “Auteur”. “The guy with the batshit orks”. “The Moustache that did Dallas”

Hi. My name isnt important. I'm a co-dreamweaver/mind expander on a journey with the creator described as all of the above at one time or another.

In late 2000, I went to the North side of Dublin to meet a friend of a friend at a game club with a dragon over the door, “Nether Regions”. Dont look for it, its not there anymore.

What I experienced that night redefined for me the word “toy soldier hobbyist”.  I was impressed by the artists creativity, his exuberance and his wardrobe.

That enfant terrible was the now legendary TheOttoVonBismark.

Sixteen years later and countless, seemingly idiotic late night ideas made transcendent, disturbing and uncomfortable plastic and metal miniature flesh, the furrow that he has ploughed has veered left, gone across the ditch, over the road, through the wall of the protected heritage building and smashed through the borstal into a fireworks factory.

If its rows of troops ranked up in paint jobs lovingly copied from old publications are your thing, then be on your way traveller.

If bandwagon jumping, everyone-else-is-doing-it, retro/new hotness turns you on, then fare thee well friend, we shall not meet again.

But... if beautifully painted, mindbending assemblages of miniature parts that normally could not (some would say “should not”) be associated is your thing, then prepare for the embrace of TheOttoVonBismark.

(Dallas was unavailable for comment)


WHISKEY PRIEST as seen on THE LEADPILE

Whiskey Priest. With several countries trying to enforce extradition treaties against this individual for his bizarre crimes, he is forced to keep on the move, leaving broken hearts and dreams in his gore-slicked wake. Forced to flee South East Asia after the Bangkok incident, he has taken solace in collecting and painting hobgoblins, scavvies and mutants, a terrible reflection of the turmoil within. Many a cooling corpse has been found with a beautifully painted hobgoblin shoved into one or more orifices.

With his madness boiling out of control, Whiskey Priest, a master of disguise, took to posing as a normal man, often for years at a time, earning him a reprieve from the authorities who hound him so mercilessly. His only tell is the always growing number of lovingly painted models that accumulate during these dormant periods.

But the Priest can only hold his lust for slaughter back for so long. When the hobgoblins appear, time is growing short...

32 comments:

  1. Wow, that's a collection of talent and a half! Will be watching closely :)
    Best of luck, chaps!

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    1. Clearly a person of taste and fine sensibilities... so you should probably run while you still can ;)

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  2. Well, at least this will save us all the torture of reading about the same event several times across several blogs. Then again, you blighters will probably be producing more great content, and having more ground breaking game sessions...

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    1. That's the purpose really, we'll get our own stuff but what we do together, we'll blog it together ;)
      Getting more and better out of it is also the purpose !

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  3. This is a great idea, love the vibe, photos, minis and bios...I'm grinning from ear to ear and eagerly awaiting more inspiring posts!

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  4. This looks like a ton of fun - looking forward to seeing what you guys come up with!

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  5. I'm going to enjoy this blog very very very much

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    Replies
    1. I hope we live up to your expectations

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  6. Now this should be spectacular - the kind of creative hub that fuses genius, insanity and vision, and shapes the hobby for decades to come!! Or... it'll prove to be too much concentrated energy for the universe, and create a tear in reality, or a miniblack hole, or something else equally apocalyptic... Either way, it's gonna be good!

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    Replies
    1. Nothing like high expectations to get the creative juices flowing.

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    2. Thanks for all the encouragement!

      It's a little freeform at the moment, but I reckon that the project a lot of potential once we get a proper handle on it.

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  7. Replies
    1. We'll do our best. And if we don't Cheetor will lure is all to a cabin in the woods and deal with us one by one....

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    2. I need to find a new cabin. The old one stinks now :(

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    3. Like a sex-crime in an abbatoir? ;)

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  8. I'm going to masturbate all day today

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    Replies
    1. Is that any different to a normal day?

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    2. Usually I stop after the second time I pass out.

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  9. Wooo! This can only be epic! This is one of these things where the result is much more than the mere addition of the components. A toast to the Fellowship of the Brush!!

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  10. Very good idea to create a common blog, with a lot of talented people. That expects lot of good things. Good luck to all in this adventure!

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    1. Cheers mec ;) We'll try not to disapoint !

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  11. For some reason, I just read all of that in the voice of the guy who did the voice over work in the Smell of Reeves and Mortimer - Bravo!

    Looking forward to seeing what tomfoolerings you merry bunch get up to...

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    1. Is that the same guy that used to say "Eranu indeed..." and announce the star prize in Shooting Starts? Cos thats the voice Im hearing now...

      Regardless, its a positive thing I reckon, thanks!

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    2. Oovavu indeed - on both counts!

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  12. Oh Christ! Save us from this Vortex of talented bastards!

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  13. Marvel and DC just called, they want in on this franchise. Good luck chaps! I shall follow this with interest and a modicum of fear.

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    1. Cheers Steve ! Have no fear, we... erm... well, you can fear a little, but just keep in mind it ill be worth it !

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