30 September 2019

SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™

In the world of SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™, YOU get to decide the action - just roll the dice and be transported to a realm beyond imagination, common sense and our tiny budget!

Inspired by the mightiest examples of Italian cinema, SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™ takes you to worlds beyond measure. A universe where the ships all have serious scale problems and are powered by barely concealed lightbulbs. A land where techno-barbarians ride brand new Kawasaki's with skulls gaffa taped to the crossbar. A parallel existence where none of the guards helmets fit properly but where they all have beautifully groomed moustaches.

Don't have the imagination to build your own world like all the best GM's? Come with us instead to the world of SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™ and be transported to a realm beyond budget! Always wanted to have a badly dubbed character with an inordinate amount of chest hair and a massive perm? Reckon you could pull off a shiny quilted body suit and still be able to karate chop the emperor's personal guard into submission? Are you fed up having to choose between functional armour and displaying your character's ample assets? Then SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™ is the game for you.

Using the patented and fully tested SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™ Character Approximation Chart Approach™ you can imbue your heroes with any of a myriad of esoteric skills. All that you have to do is prove that it features in a rubbish film (it must be voted 'Rubbish' by an audience of your closest relatives) and then have a week long internet argument with a group of strangers about how the power works.

Weapons and combat in SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™ work on the Effectiveness Reversal Roleplaying Order Regime™. The more your character looks like they are trying to avoid tripping over the space-carpet while trying to swat a space-fly the more effective their attacks! Your weapons should look like they have no obvious working parts and that the designer thought that Ergonomics was something only Swedish people care about. Even better if it's not obvious which way you are supposed to point it or which part to hold. Then all you need decide upon is how disappointing the effects are. Does it fizz a bit at the end? Does it glow slightly? Does the squib go off several minutes after pulling the trigger? Does the laser beam fail to come from anywhere near the barrel?

You will never be tied down to a single genre ever again. Take all the ideas that other people stole from other people and throw them at the wall of your imagination to see what sticks and what falls to the floor (and gets covered in dust and left over crisps). SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™ allows you to play the kinds of games that you and your mates promise themselves at 3 o'clock in the morning when you are all far too drunk and have watched far too many crappy movies. The sorts of games that are such good ideas that by the time you sober up, the best parts have crawled out of your ears and slithered off to snuggle up to someone else.
Remember playing "the floor is lava" ? Well now the floor really IS lava ! (not really).

The superbly detailed 'Using your Imagination' section* walks you through the process of building the background for the games you and your players will travel through for the greatest adventure of your lives.** From Galaxies that only take seconds to travel across their entire breadth to post-apocalyptic deserts full of healthy looking shrubbery. Develop futuristic cities with buildings that look suspiciously like 1960's brutalist car parks or ancient lands of fantasy adventure that are only occasionally in the flight path of an international airport. Build lands fit to be plundered by thick legged barbarians with even thicker wigs. Create space realms that have evolved beyond being distracted by women wearing skimpy latex outfits all day long. Theres no need to make the back ground coherent, no one is paying attention anyway!

SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™ uses an innovative and completely unpredictable multi-dice system. You start your game not knowing how skilled your character is - only when they are tested do the true range of their skills become apparent! Do you dare try to beat the final boss wearing nothing but silver bell-bottoms and a chest merkin? Roll the cursed polyhedra and find out! In addition your character can be given a range of 'Character Countours'™, these describe your characters presence on the imaginary screen of your game world. The 'Character Countour'™ allows you to add depth to your intriguing heroes and use the pathetic little details of your character's life as assets !
- How many times did you cry last night ?
-There must be a flashback for you to use !
- How many other masks do you wear behind your mask ?
- How long can the tape hold your breasts up ? - How long can you hold your belly in place ?

SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™'s patented Character Rating and Advancement Program™ allows you to develop your character in cruel and unusual directions. Did you know that clothes-wearing was a skill? Well now you do, and in SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™ that skill degenerates over time in a manner that will startle and confuse you! As your character grows you will invest in skill trees such as 'stiff karate', 'melodramatic poise', 'abrupt editing' and 'mascara!'. At no point will you feel like you've improved as a person while playing this game. Hug yourself and cry!

Here are some reviews for SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™:

"I can actually smell the old cigarette butts and wino piss in the abandoned carpark where our adventure was mostly set!"
- Clive Stuffhuffer

"It made my children cry! They aren't stopping!"
- Linda Fartz

"Please stop calling our office or we'll call the police!"
-Rolling Stone Magazine

- The Leadpile

SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™ just won't stop there though, apart from scenario packs like "War of the stars™", "Starride™" or "CrazyMax™", expect new rules for playable characters and NPC's, all the weapons that plastic rubbish, potatoes and duct tape can build plus any environment you might have seen in other games or your granny's backyard! Just subscribe to our mailing list by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to:

Old Mick,
The Alleyway behind the off-license,
Corner of Shartlestone and Bog St,
Fartley Browns,

SHITEHAWK!!! The Roleplaying game™ - The Adventure is in someone else's lack of imagination!

* Rumours that this section is just a picture of angry Irishman shouting "use your imagination ya cunt" are completely unfounded.

** This is only true if you have had a very dull life.


  1. Oh man - so down with this - All those years of watching MST3K and Best of the Worst weren't wasted after all! R.O.T.O.R, Ro-man and Akton coming to a table top near you!

  2. I'm so in!!


  3. Was ready to buy, disappointed.

  4. You forgot to talk about the Post Economics Not In Shitehawk (TM) system.