11 January 2018

Why would you make the ghost of HG Wells cry?

Playing war-games with unpainted figures makes HG wells cry. He is also dead. Therefore it's his ghost that is crying. Making a ghost cry is not big or clever. It is mean. Why are you being mean to the Ghost of HG Wells?


Lets examine the reasons you have and rip them to shreds.



1) 'I don't have the time'


You say - I've got a busy life. My wife won't let me leave my man toys around the house where people can see them. I've got a Play Station that wants me to pay it attention. My cat needs it's ears tickled occasionally and I'm really enjoying this season of Homes under the Hammer. My friends don't mind that I don't play with unpainted miniatures so I'm focussing on my collection

The Ghost of HG Wells says - My God man! Grow a pair! You need to realise that your friends do give a shit. They are having a campaign with painted figs behind your back. If you can make time to surf the internet for your next purchase you certainly have time to paint some figures. Get your stuff out and tell your wife that its your hobby and you want to take part or I will haunt your sad sorry ass!

Have a little respect at least and instead of saying "I don't have the time", say "I prefered scratching my balls in front of some shit TV program"

Peter Cushing. Commands the Death Star, paints his models.

2) 'It's not part of my Hobby'


A wise man once said 'painting miniatures is a secondary function to owning the miniature - they are already complete'. Did I say wise man? I meant SHIT man. That is a shitty concept that makes no sense. For starters they mostly come on sprues these days anyway so they are not even close to being complete. Also, once you're done filing, sanding, filling gaps etc you have a completed mini that LOOKS SHIT. If you think a grey plastic miniature with one shiny lead arm and a tiny giant 28mm schlong made of greenstuff is in any way 'complete' then you have fundamental misunderstanding of the concept (though you are on the right track with that giant dingus, there should definitely be more of that about).

The hobby has always been about building, painting and playing games with your miniatures. Always. It's a thing. H.G. Wells knew it. He painted every damn thing. He painted things that weren't even miniatures. He painted stacks of pennies and called them 'daleks' because he didn't give a FUCK. He knew the truth. Miniature wargames are inferior games of strategy. They are time consuming, clumsy and barely function as representative of what they claim to be. Miniatures ranked in rows of five. FIVE. What kind of war is this? Percy Pullingcock's Backyard Wrestlemania? The War of McDonald's Lunchtime Queue?

"Oh no general, four orcs are advancing upon us, followed closely by four more orcs, and possibly another four behind them! What shall we do?"

"Stop being an asshole Fistion and lob a fireball at them for fuck's sake..."


We all know it. We've all done it. Except Cheetor. He gave up fantasy battles after negative one turn because there were too many Cold Ones and not enough cold ones. But the rest of us know it. The game systems themselves are sub par. It is not 'chess with more interesting pieces'. It is a grimy slog and the best outcome you can hope for is that you didn't realise you had already lost by the end of turn one and just had to go through the motions for the next 8 hours.

'Get to the biscuits!' I hear you cry. "Why are you bashing my favourite games?" Well, imaginary biscuit fiend, the point is, we play these games (or more streamlined versions available from other sources) not for the rusty old game mechanics, but for the miniatures. The sweet, sweet miniatures. We love them. We froth over them. We admire them, share them, and most importantly, we PAINT them. We put up with the sub-par rulesets and antiquated you-go-I-go routines because the settings and the aesthetics are second to none but ONLY IF YOU PAINT THEM. Otherwise why even use miniatures? I dare you to tell me, before the restless spectre of H.G. Wells himself, that painting miniatures is not part of your hobby - it is, old fruit, it absolutely is, whether you like it or not. Otherwise you're just kidding yourself. And H.G. Wells NEVER kids.



Trey Parker. Floods the world with non sense, gets his shit painted.


3) 'I can't paint as well as I want to'



Because YOU DON'T PAINT ENOUGH !
How the hell do you think you ever going to improve if you never bother trying? This is the biggest hurdle that people encounter, the fear of making a mistake. Who gives a fuck? Mistakes are the best teachers you will ever have. You are not going to paint a golden demon entry winner at your first attempt. Fuck, you may never paint a golden demon winner. Most of us won't. But to be fair, most Golden Demon winning models have never been anywhere near a gaming table and at this stage that's all we're interested in. Get your brushes out and give it a go. Ask for advice. Watch videos of schmucks doing simple stuff on youtube. Fall in love with Duncan on the Warhammer channel doing simple techniques in an easy way to follow. DON'T try to do NMM on a your first regiment of stormcast. Don't try wetblend the skin on every nurgle model you own. Don't run out and buy an airbrush as you will give up after spraying the wall. Keep it simple, keep it neat and find stuff that works. Get a unit done. Base it nicely and then sit back and admire your work.
THEN DO ANOTHER ONE!



Ansel Elgort. Drives babies, wins fucking golden demons.


4) 'I'm not painting anything till I work out the killer list'


You're not getting any games in either then. Or only with like minded fellows who value pounding an opponent into dust once is more valuable than having a laugh with the lads. That's not something we can judge, everyone likes something different from its neighbour.
However, making your army rely on a killer list is relying on the fact it will get nerfed in the coming month (that's how rapidly erratas are released now) so OK, you've come up with the ultimate death star but in 2 weeks time it's gonna become utter shite. Why not go for something cool, it might become fun at some point, or even good ! It might not ! Who cares?
I'm not going to the pub until I know which jokes I'm making, I'm not reading that book until  know how it ends... COME. ON !!
What's worse is that leaving all your minis in their sad, virgin grey just displays to all your opponents that you have no intention of making any commitment. Your attention span is so short that you couldn't just stick to an army and see it through to completion, making it part of your life and lodging it in your memory and your heart for all time. Taking pride in its exploits and developing its story and its history as it accompanies you through your gaming life.
Nope. Not you. The minute you can't win a game in the second turn you'll dump your army on eBay and start with the next one the brain trust on the 'Arseholes and Lasgun' website are frothing over. You'll have it glued together by the weekend.

Donald Featherstone. Fully painted shit ONLY.


5) You are a BlisterFucker


Yeah you heard me. You like to keep your minis MINT IN BOX. You have them squirrelled away hoping that you will make millions one day when the market really blossoms. You have nightmares about wotsit fingered idiots ripping open the pristine 80's packaging (even ripping the cardboard in their violent, frenzied mini lust). You are a Blisterfucker. You hold precious lead hostage. You expect the ransom to be huge and one day you will call it in and some other, junior, Blisterfucker will pay it! You are the king of collectors!

But you're not.

You are the war-games equivalent of the guys who fill their spare rooms with Dinky Toys and Hornby Trains still preserved in their antique packaging. The people that care are an ever decreasing circle of like minded hoarders who all dream of turning up on Antiques Roadshow with a blister that will pay for your dream retirement village.
But thats not going to happen.

What is going to happen is that after you're gone, one of your relatives is going to find your collection. And do you know what they are going to do? They are going to give it to charity. And for all those smartasses who claim that they want to be buried with their stockpiles of old lead, I've got bad news for you  - lead counts as a toxic waste so have fun with that pile of red tape! ;)

Edward Woodward (and friends) laugh at the Blister Fuckers!


At the end of the day, we're playing warGAMES, and games mean FUN, not EXCUSES! Whatever you put into your hobby, you'll get it 10 times back*. You want cheap games? Fine. You'll get cheap fun. Aim for great and you'll get awesome!

* Rates subject to change at short notice. Scale Creep takes no responsibility for hobbyists who don't get the maximum of 10 times back.



Authors : Whiskey Priest, Captain Crooks, Asslessman

37 comments:

  1. I wholeheartedly agree, as I do not play with unpainted models. Also, it's a great excited for when I don't have time to game: "What, tomorrow? Nope sorry, army won't be painted. And my inability to play of absolutely not related to all the household chores I have to do."

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    1. Andrew! Have you hoovered the lobby yet?

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    2. Tomorrow. I'm too busy painting this army.

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  2. Every model I paint is done to soothe his poor spirit.

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  3. I fucking love this post. Every single bit of it.

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  4. I'm terrified of fucking up my miniatures because I am a crap painter. Always have been after 25 years in the hobby. I have not improved one iota. I just cannot comprehend colours at all.

    And now that I sculpt my own miniatures, I have nightmares of seriously fucking over all the hard work I've put in.....

    *sobs uncontrollably*

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    Replies
    1. failures lead to victories. It's gonna be OK !

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  5. Had a great big grin on my face while I read this; and now have a bad case of empty coffee mug, soggy keyboard.

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    Replies
    1. You enter scale creep at your lap tops own risk

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  6. This could easily be applied to life in general: get out there, make mistakes, learn from them and have fun.

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  7. This post had me loling, love everything about this. ;)

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    Replies
    1. You can get previews as well you lucky dog

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  8. FUCKING A . . . . play it painted!!!!

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  9. BlisterFucker - nearly lost my tea! Great points all.

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    Replies
    1. It'll be in the dictionary by next year

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  10. Wait ... there are games you can play with them? All I do is paint the damn things.

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    1. It's a bit like 'SNAP' - you all put your painted minis in a pile, one at a time, and if you get two that match you smash your hand down on them and scream out "4000 WARHAMS!". It's super fun.

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  11. Holy shit! That was so fucking awesome!
    Excuse me, I have to go take a cold shower now.

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    Replies
    1. Now you are fully refreshed, how do you feel about your minis?

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  12. Best post I've read in a long time. Especially the bit about how fundamentally average wargames rules are.... you've outlined something I totally agree with but had never quite put together.

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  13. Well said! I am not here to make a ghost sad. I am here to exact a return on fun!

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  14. Hear hear! Rousing stuff. Also I never understood Blisterfuckers-what is the point of toys you don't play with?!

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  15. Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. When I started Oldhammer I finally drew the line at painting the models I was going to play with. "No unpainted figures EVER!" to quote Joan Crawford. Blisterfuckers! Love it! The Oldhammer speculators make me want to murder people. You are correct, nobody is going to know or care how much your collection is worth. Your family will never see any value from it. It will either end up in the trash or bought up by some other speculator and hoarded or sold for EBay prices. As a joke I've always wanted to show up at an event and field my "army" all still in box and blister. If you're not going to paint them why not just push the box around the table. At least it's got pictures of nicely panted models on it.

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  16. That reminds me... I need to amend my will. I plan to be buried with my painted armies, and none of the models are lead, so I'm good to go! If my estate can't afford a mausoleum with neatly arranged shelves, then just pour 'em in my coffin and pity the pallbearers.

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    Replies
    1. Maybe I should have my heirs cremate me and mix my ashes in with the basing materials and then rebase my collection appropriately.

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    2. And then when mom asks what they're doing the youngest generation can reply "Aw, we're just playing with great uncle Dave."

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  17. Blisterfuckers - love it! It gives me so much pleasure to see that GW for instance is re-releasing their terrain like the Skullvane Manse - I've wanted one for a long time, but refused to give the 300-350 pounds they fetch on ebay - in your face, blisterfuckers! Now let me see you get 50 pounds for your badly painted hunk of plastic. :D

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  18. I still have not played a game that I have got last year only because it's getting painted now. I will finish it one day. And then I will play!
    I will not make HG Wells ghost cry

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  19. Phantasmagorical post old bean! I concur wholeheatedly on the painting front but I have zero interest in playing games with little men. I simply wish to paint Silver, green and grey little men and beasts to transform them into a feast for the optic nerve.

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