04 March 2016

What do you mean you've never seen....?

"- Dude, I think I haven't seen that movie...
- Jeeeeez, how is that even possible !"

There are some films out there that could be considered 'formative' - they help define a period, create a culture of references, in-jokes, memes and fond memories. These are films that 'everyone' has seen, that 'everyone' can relate to, that everyone just knows.

Except there's always that one friend who goes "what's Bill and Ted?"

And there is a collective hush.

And someone says "Dude how the fuck can you not have seen Bill and Ted??"

Most of those films are like made of bricks of imagination we each process with our own imagination to come up with new ideas and creativity.

For Fantasy, those films would be :

- Bakshi's LOTR and Wizards
- Willow
- The Black Cauldron
- The Dark Crystal
- Conan & Red Sonja
- Heavy Metal
- Evil Dead
- Excalibur
- Highlander
- Legend
- The Princess Bride


And for Sci-fi :

- Bladerunner
- Starwars
- Dune
- Running Man
- Terminator
- Alien
- Aliens
- Total Recall
- Robocop
- Flash Gordon
- Escape From New York
- Mad Max (and 2)
- Wrath of Khan
- Brazil
- Predator




But then even the films of our youth would have to count as they've had a huge influence on us : John Hughes' films (Ferris Bueller, the breakfast club...)

Here is a bunch of movies that we chose for their significance in the world of sci-fi fiction as formative and inspiring all the things mentioned above, synopses-ified by those Scale Creepers who, against all odds, have never seen them and know next to nothing about them.

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
As told by Asslessman


Bill and Ted have done many things together. The best and some of the worst. There is yet one thing left for them to do : lose their virginity to a woman.

Their holy mission will lead them from setting fire to their high school (to try and use the mess and cold showers over white school uniforms to their advantage) to dealing drugs (actually the lawn they mowed in the neighbourhood for pocket money) to street thugs (actually white kids from the rich suburbs wearing caps side-ways).

Their journey will have them face Will and Craig (2 pricks from the rival school) who'll keep being ahead of them and trying to make them get caught by their principal and parents.

The final scene where they accidentally throw the biggest party ever in the middle of the town (after causing traffic congestion all over town because of their ongoing activities) is still regarded now as the most iconic scene of all teen movies.

Spoiler alert : Bill and Ted actually do lose their virginity to a sublime girl (scene not shown but suggested) who was wearing glasses with her hair in a pony tail the whole movie.


KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE
As told by Captain Crooks



Chester Wiffenphartz is a brilliant astrologist who records a series of radio transmissions from a distant star.

Under rigorous analysis, he reveals a hidden message of warning for planet Earth. Scorned by peers and lambasted by the public, Chester falls deeply into a well of obsession, despair, intrigue and murder as the ghastly implications of The Message become apparent.

Pursued by shadowy red-nosed figures and with the clock ticking down to an impending Klownpocalypse, Chester must come to terms with the fact he is deeply schizophrenic and stop murdering innocent carnies before his obsession claims his own life too...


The Dark Crystal
As told by Whiskey Priest



In which Jim Henson, tiring of appealing to ungrateful juveniles, foresees the coming of the crystal meth scourge that will ruin America.

Set in a dystopian fantasy world where vultures have evolved into the dominant species in California a pair of marionettes are brought to life by the fever dreams of a squandered generation. Battling through the wastelands of Paul Bonner's imagination they must use the awesome power of their cuteness in order to defeat the evil Vulturoids in the race to find the ultimate high in the land, the Dark Crystal.

Along the way the big nosed Nosiness attempt to bore them to tears and the freaky faced old Bint attempts to cut their strings with some sharp tongued remarks.

Overcoming all manner of obstacles their gangly non-footed journey finally ends in almighty battle around the foot of the pulsing crystal. Using their opposable thumbs in close up they defrock the Vultroids and snort small pieces of the crystal, transforming them both into real people who promptly discover their genitals and repopulate the whole of San Franscisco.



Tremors
As told by Axiom

Kevin Bacon leads a double-denim clad team of pest controllers in the American west.

A classic 'blue-on-blue' love story against a backdrop of untamed landscapes, witness the emotional tremors as Bacon gently caresses his lover's beard, gently nestling on the collar of his bleached denim vest.

Kevin's passion becomes brittle and obsessive, as it turns out his soul-mate is riding deep into border country in search of *ahem* "greater fulfilment. Kevin discovers that his one-time devoted partner has discovered a nest of gigantic burrowing one-eyed serpents, and has set up a pleasure cult, devoted to exploiting their nocturnal emissions.

Stricken by grief, Kevin lures the beasts above ground by stimulating the burrow entrances at midday. The serpents emerge into sunlight where they burst into flame. Kevin grabs his lover and immolates them both on the still burning carcass of the largest beast, whilst the a solitary bell chiming precedes the haunting Ennio Morricone title music.



Rosemary's Baby
As told by theottovonbismarck
Rosemary's Baby is an Australian court room movie about a messy adoption and dingos.

There is some kind of picnic in the outback and the dingos abduct the child and raise it for the first 10 years of it's life.  The family have to get a badger lawyer to fight the case for them in Kangaroo court.



KRULL
As told by Cheetor




KRULL!

A mountain shaped like the head of a deep sea fish causes trouble for a studio approved but unknown actor playing “Young King”.  “His Love” wears a wardrobe intended to pick up on goodwill from Star Wars in a way that cannot be proven in court.

The clutches of the beast are not metaphorical, but the deadly embrace of a giant fish mountain with a hand.  Transporting alien mountains across space is energy intensive, but the producers of Krull are above petty nature-of-reality concerns.

“None-o’ doze schmoes cares about dat!” they cry in a lavish boardroom while chomping cigars.

The producers are correct: we care not, for the Young King has a Gadget!

It is a sort of unwieldy looking frisbee, a bladed star that shoots light.  Young boys relish these signature items, although frankly, the Gadgets use against Mountain-fish-clutch-Beast is questionable.

A crisis of confidence happens.  A member of the cast “dies”.  New sources of untapped determination are found.

Christian notions of redemption and misogyny form inelegant congress with capitalist, objectivist, creationist constructions structured to beat “values” into the youth of the eighties via the medium of cheap cinema.  From the people that brought you The Brady Bunch and The Black and White Minstrels.

Mountain-fish-clutch-Beast is finally shown to be a shoddy special effect and is destroyed by a previously unseen ability of the Gadget in the denouement.  

The Gadgets ability is triggered via the power of faith/love/hard work/being Caucasian (delete as applicable).  
Under no circumstances is Mountain-fish-clutch-Beast destroyed by an ability triggered by sexual potency/having rich parents/the rapturous adoration of Beelzebub.  Or a woman.  

The Gadget can be triggered by a poor person, but only if the poor person accepts that being poor is his own fault.

The end.  Back to work everyone, the boardroom needs more cigars.

Starcrash
As told by Antipixi


Hunted by an alien they have never seen, Brian and Jill (inter-galactic explorers, from a time when Earth has long since been destroyed) crash on an asteroid after a dazzling cross-space chase. 

Jill, her wardrobe having been mostly destroyed in the crash is forced to roam the planet in her underwear. Brian is only slightly better off in the mask-less, red gimp suit he had been wearing when the alien initially found them. 

The victimised couple spend days traversing the rocky surface of the asteroid, battling with the creatures that inhabit it whilst evading their predator. 

The finale finds our duo holed up in a cave, cornered by their Xenos foe. After some partially successful shooting by Jill, Brian whips out his day glow blue discolaser and finishes off their aggressor. 

The pair steal the creatures ship (which conveniently has humanoid control) never knowing why they were being hunted, or who/what had wanted them. 

24 comments:

  1. The side effect of all this is actually I don't know if I want to see those anymore, I'd be disapointed if the actual films weren't up to those alternate stories...

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    1. You NEED to watch Ted and Bill mec!!

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  2. I thought the only film I hadn't seen on your list was the Black Cauldron - until hazy memories of frustration at only getting Hen Wen models free with my Corn Flakes surfaced. Still don't remember much about the film but I still hate that little plastic pig...

    Oh and Double-Denim for the win!

    How I miss those Christian notions of redemption and misogyny and their inelegant congress with capitalist, objectivist, creationist constructions too.

    Happy days.

    Happy Days...

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    1. Ah MASK - had some of the toys for that too. Great cartoon and awesome theme tune! Big favourite of mine though (and one I'd love to game) is Ulyses 31 - surprisingly melancholy and bleak for a kid's show and the music is amazing!

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    2. Ulysses theme tune is contender for best ever.
      It's tough to watch the show these days - a lot of the episodes are pretty drawn out - but the look and feel, the atmosphere of the entire production was amazing.

      I tried to kitbash a 28mm Ulysses figure for use as a Rogue Trader years ago. It looked like Barry Gibb... which was perfect, but it never got finished.
      One day...

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  3. Haven't seen Heavy Metal, Killer Clowns, Rosemary's Baby or Star Crash. Is that bad?

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    1. It is but the good thing is it can be fixed.

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  4. I havent seen Star Crash, but I suspect that the plot is more or less exactly that.

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  5. I watched Tremors the other day...it still holds up! LOL

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    1. Saw a trailer for Tremors 5 the other day on one of my son's DVDs. Just checked it out and found a trailer for Tremors 4 - The prequel to the original Tremors. Already knew about Tremors 2 and 3 but these were news to me!

      Guess which actor is still in there shooting dem Graboids and milking the franchise...

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    2. Lol yes the are all on Netflix I think. Fred Ward gotta luv him. My dad was telling me one was set in the Old West...possible inspiration for my new village. ;)

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  6. Good lists. I would add Dragonslayer and the Robin of Sherwood (TV series) to my own fantasy lists.

    Hawk the Slayer, The Beastmaster, Tje Last Starfighter? *shudder*

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    1. Hawk the Slayer and Breastmaster are pretty awful, but Im still fond of The Last Starfighter.

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    2. And the above should read "Beastmaster".

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    3. Is there a film called Breastmaster? I'll add it to my list!

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    4. Last star fighter is so gooood!

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  7. Tremors been a movie I love I've got to say I'm a mazed just how much of it I didn't pick up on when watching it, but what I'd really like to know is what was Rosemary doing having a baby out in the outback by that big bloody stone LOL.

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  8. I second The Beastmaster. I can't imagine what the 80's would have been like without The Beastmater. Im sure KTLA5 played it every Sunday afternoon for 10 years straight and I watched it every time.

    I'd add to my list Sword and the Sorcerer, Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone and of course The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension!.

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  9. What about Teen Wolf? Everyone needs a were creature!

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  10. I think we better throw in Crocodile Dundee as well since it was based on Cap'n Crooks childhood!

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  11. Where's THE LAST STARFIGHTER? (and Labyrinth, for that matter)

    Great read though chaps, most entertaining...I especially liked the bit where they discovered their genitals and repopulated San Fran.

    Hey, anybody remember ICE PIRATES?
    It had Anjelica Huston in it.

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    1. Don't forget a very young Ron Pearland too.

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  12. Where's Big Trouble in Little China?

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