"What did you just say...?"
"I said... seasons... greetings to a- wait! What are you doing? Put that sword down what are youAAAAAARGHHHkttktthhhhhh......"
"Let that be a lesson to ALL of you! I am the Creepmas Elf, and 'The War on Creepmas' just got real!"
|O'Reilly has our backs. And a bunch of dead hobos in a freezer.|
For too long now, there has been a quiet, insidious, PC war against everyone's favourite holiday, Creepmas. Everyone is so afraid of 'giving offense' to the 2 or 3% of the entire world population that doesn't celebrate Creepmas that they won't even say the words 'Merry Creepmas', they say nonsense like 'Seasons Greetings', 'Happy Holidays' or 'Kill Me Please the Buzzing in my Ears Will Never Cease'.
Big corporations like Shartbutts won't even give praise to Zombie JayBes with a simple shout-out on their coffee cups anymore. It's like, they want to take the 15 to 20% of all visible advertising and merchandising not devoted entirely to one specific religious feast day away from us, and it's just not right!
|Our coffee is the nuttiest in town. Our logo is 'Come on Down, We'll Show Some Brown."|
So we decided that enough was enough. We unleashed the ultimate anti-PC avenger, the upholder of all that Creepmas represents. We set loose... the Creepmas Elf!
|"PAINT THE HALLS WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD!"|
With his no-nonsense approach to utter carnage and his crippling allergies to tinsel, the Creepmas Elf is a snivelling force to be reckoned with. 1000 years of martial training has made him strong, and he is clad in impermeable armour made from the scales of Donald Trump's scalp. At the first sign of any insipid 'Happy Holidays' crap he replies with the vorpal Blade of Swift Fallacies, capable of cleaving any opponent, both mentally and physically. None are spared his wrath. This season alone he has murdered 17,457 people who made the ultimate mistake of believing 'all holidays matter.' And there's still a bunch more 'Days of Creepmas' left...
|The Creepmas Elf won't slay you in a welter of gore if he sees you are wearing one of these. Probably.|
This post concludes our 'Merry Creepmas' series for the year. We'll be back next year for more light-hearted frivolity and cold blooded slaughter. In the meantime, be good, don't peek at your Creepmas presents, and Zombie JayBes help you if you don't leave some fine elven wine and well aged cheese out for the Creepmas Elf... because noone else can.
|Hey nonny nonny motherfuckers|
Merry Creepmas everyone, and have a not-murdered new year!