FATAL DEVIATION 2: THE SIDE SCROLLING COMBAT ADVENTURE

Greetings to all the Creepers out there! Today we're bringing you something extra special, the (probably) eagerly anticipated battle report of the game of the sequel of the movie Fatal Deviation, starring Irish Martial Arts hero Jimmy Bennett, his girl Nicola, a cyber hobo and a giant ball-sac. Read and enjoy as we present...

Remember this old game? Console Gamer Magazine gave it negative 1,000,000 stars

I'm just waiting for player two

OMG the excitement is killing me

This game contains adult themes, like doing craic

Level 1: The Pub

Jimmy and Nicola walk into the local watering hole. The residents of Neo-Trim are mostly mutants, just like it's real-world counterpart, if the film Fatal Deviation is anything to go by.

If getting set upon by the gross residents isn't bad enough, a bunch of slick lawyers show up. What business do they have in these parts eh?

With a few well-times judo throws and kicks to the balls, Jimmy and Nicola wade through the mutants to tackle the lawyers. They manage to beat them all down, helped in part by a pistol they retrieved, but find no clues as to what is going on around here! 

The dialogue is just as good as the original film!

Level 2: A Nearby Field

The lawyers have reprogrammed some construction bots to go on the offensive. Their laser-drills and cutting saws are formidable weapons to use on flesh and blood targets

Additionally, SWAT teams have arrived to quell the disturbance. They deploy behind a low stone wall and open fire with a hail of SMG bullets

Bennett finds himself at a disadvantage in this battle as robots have no balls to kick - instead he must rely on his fists to defeat the metal menace. This goes about as well as you'd expect

Taken down to his last wound, Bennett enters 'Loose or Else' mode, rage and desperation increasing his attack power. It proves enough to defeat the robots... 

... but a combination of lawyers and SWAT agents take the mighty spud-man down. Meanwhile, Nicola retrieves a machine gun from a fallen SWAT member and begins mowing down the rest of the enemies

With Jimmy beaten down, it's up to his sensei, the Cybermonk, to step in and deal out some revenge, old-man-borg style. His special teleportation move gets him up close to the last lawyer, who succumbs to his precision strikes 

Hey, doesn't he look like that guy from 'Carrie'...?

Level 3: The Hovertrain. Cybermonk and Nicola discover the BIG BOSS will be taking the Hovertrain to SpaceDublin - however it turns out to be a TRAP! A bunch of evil lawyers attack, but are swiftly dealt with

The next carriage holds a greater threat - more SWAT!

The heroes endure heavy fire from the SWAT machineguns, losing precious health points

Cyberhobo teleports into the middle of the SWAT team while Nicola lays down covering fire with her own machine gun. Many SWAT fall, dropping combat armour and a shotgun, but at great cost to the monk's health

Entering 'Loose or Else' mode (also known as 'getting loose'), Cybermonk battles to his last breath, but is felled by the last SWAT member. Nicola screams in anguish as she guns the law enforcer down

Sacrificing precious experience points to resurrect Jimmy, player one prepares to face a new, powerful threat...

... a robotic hover-assault ship, rising out of the train! It turns it's twin assault cannons towards the heroes and lets loose with a deadly barrage!

Nicola is brought to the brink of death, entering 'Loose or Else' mode (also known as 'loose clappy-flaps mode'). Jimmy punches the hovering craft so hard it pops open, exposing it's robotic brain. Which he also punches, while Nicola sprays it with bullets and sends it crashing to the ground

The final car (or first car depending on your perspective) is brimming with ninja! These powerful foes attack with deadly shurikens and can teleport using their 'ninja vanish' technique. Behind them is a robot cowboy holding a desirable objective!

The ninjas are hardened warriors who follow ancient combat teachings, but they find themselves no match for the hail of bullets that Nicola sends their way. She follows this up by leaping amongst them and using her signature 'Stock Take-down' move to hurl them bodily off the train, bypassing their defences completely

With the ninjas defeated, the heroes give the cowboy robot a pummeling, causing him to drop the item he was carrying - a delicious apple-pie with the power to restore life to the fallen! However, the robot escapes back into the Hovertrain cockpit. There is a rumble, and the Hovertrain comes to an abrupt halt, hurling the heroes to the ground!

The Hovertrain is transforming into some sort of giant robot!

The heroes battle their way up the legs of the robot, encountering stiff resistance from ninjas around the crotchal region. Bennett finds himself on a highway through the Loose or Else zone once again, and Nicola is sent hurling from the very top of the robot by blasts from it's nipple rockets, causing her to respawn and losing her machinegun. Things are looking grim at this point.

Nicola ended up saving the day with a well timed return, carrying a med-pack she looted from a ninja for Bennett and healing him before the rockets could finish him off. Together the heroes pummel the robot's head until it opens up and reveals the cowering cowboy robot once again. They put the boot in hard and he is finally destroyed, dropping med-packs and another apple pie.

The heroes commandeer a flyer and race back to Jimmy's dojo to regroup and figure out their next move!

Don't go overheating that cranium now Jimmy...

Level 4: The Dojo. Jimmy bought this land cheap because it rests on top of toxic landfill and an old burial ground. Here he built the temple of martial arts he has always dreamed of, and one day hopes that the ashes of Jean-Claude Van Damme will reside here next to the ashes of Bennett's film career.

It soon becomes clear that something is very wrong! The sacred dojo has been overrun by robots and evil ninja! And worse, some sort of portal to another dimension has been opened up!

Once they had crash-landed the flyer in the yard of the dojo, a vicious battle took place. Many ninja fell to the shurikens and whirling katana of Nicola and Bennett, but more and more kept pouring out of the dojo in an endless stream of death! Nicola managed to loot a precious 'robot heart' from a fallen machine, and Jimmy had his second-to-last wound taken from a deadly backstab. Nicola knew that drastic actions needed to be taken

Nicola took down the two ninja guarding the portal with deft strokes from her katana (she and Jimmy had looted two each from ninja carcasses and were dual-wielding like a BAWSE). But as the last gasp of life escaped the fallen ninja and their blood flowed down the steps of the portal, Nicola knew it was too late! With a pulse of unnatural energy, a hideous apparition came through into their world!

Enraged at Jimmy Bennett for ruining his career by involving him in such a terrible film as Fatal Deviation, Mikey has spent years plotting his revenge from the terrible limbo dimension where all shit-list celebrities go when they cease being relevant

"Mwahaha! Come here my pretty!" gloats Mikey as he attempts to grab Nicola.

Jimmy Bennett, rushing to Nicola's aid, uses every last resource he has to pummel that giant scrotum over and over again, even going as far as to devour the 'robot heart' to gain extra fighting power. The hideous thing just would not seem to die! Finally Bennett managed to use his ultimate move - the Fatal Deviation. Stripped of his defences and stunned simultaneously, Mikey succumbs to a storm of fists and split-kicks to his all of him. 

At last, the nightmare is over. With evil vanquished, the heroes are free once more to make out and have weird picnics

Well there you have it Creepers - Fatal Deviation 2, in all it's glory. Probably the most remarkable thing about this game, apart from the fact that we even made it, was that it was run by me, Captain Crooks, from here Down Under in the merry land of Oz, over Facebook Messenger video chat, and played by Cheetor and Asslessman, who happened to be in Ireland at the same time for Knavecon. The whole session took about 4 hours, give or take, and was thoroughly enjoyable for all involved. At some point i'll be posting all the rules and resources necessary for you to play this game yourself at home, over on my blog, the Funky Wenis Rodeo. We'll update this blog when that happens!

In the meantime, thanks for reading all the way to the end and sharing this special journey with us!