17 March 2024

Warhammer Underworlds VERSUS Time

“Warhammer Underworlds: Shadespire features arguably the best range of miniatures that Games Workshop/Citadel has *ever* produced in its decades long history!” 

... proclaimed a slimmer, more vigorous and optimistic version of the author, upon the release of the hybrid board/card game in 2017...

“I will master this system and extract life affirmation from the process!”.

Time passes.  

Approximately 85% of the author’s cells die and are replaced.

In early 2024, the remaining ~15% of the human that made that statement six years ago awakes from a sweaty nightmare and rails against the dying of the light. 
Thoughts of a whimsical career pivot and/or sports vehicle purchase are resisted, and instead a message is sent via orbital communications satellite.  It reads: 
“Who wants to paint a Warhammer Underworlds warband before St Patrick's Day?  That's in about three weeks.” 

The author knows that many will not take up the challenge, that many will have work/teenager/pilates/colonoscopy/etc commitments, commitments that will be used to justify the avoidance of anything that the unvolunteer would find enjoyable. 

The author expects and understands this, and feels only empathy. The campaign is long, and no one gets out alive. 

Regardless, a brave few accept the challenge and provide images of their unassembled WHU warbands.

The Tazmanian's Proposal

The Juggler's Proposal

The Cassandra's Proposal

The Dreamer's Proposal

One volunteer - The Calculator - wants to enter an already assembled and sprayed warband, thereby technically violating the project criteria before it starts. 

The Calculator Proposal

This is declared to be a “Don’t worry about it” situation, a “No biggie” as someone who thinks that Buffyspeak is hip might say.   The goal is not to punish, but to encourage. 
He ain't heavy…” think all other project participants simultaneously, “...he’s my brother”. 

Approximately three hours pass. One participant reveals that he has completed the project. 

Through gritted teeth, The Tazmanian is congratulated by the other participants as he begins a second warband. This display of “overachievement” shows that the volunteer cares.  Although The Tazmanian appears to be rubbing collective noses in canine excrement, it is in fact “tough love”, tough love that seeks to build the strength and endurance of the tribe. 

Namaste Tazmanian.  Namaste. 

Over the next weeks WIP images are exchanged globally, via satellites in low orbit.  

The Tazmanian has moved on to other projects, his three completed WHU warbands still cooling on the shelf. 

As the remaining volunteers are bound to the concept of immutable, linear time, they still work to complete their portions of the project before the deadline.  

The Dreamer encounters an insurmountable obstacle (other miniatures that he paints instead) and drops out of the project.  He will get back on this particular 28mm horse at a future date, and we will welcome him back with 32mm arms.

We raise a glass to our fallen comrade.  

The Calculator, The Juggler and The Cassandra also complete their projects before the St Patrick's Day deadline.  The results are shown below.

Khagra's Ravagers - The Tazmanian

"I've had these models since their release and always intended to get to them but it wasn't til Paul suggested this friendly little project that I finally got my arse in gear.  I tried Shadespire when it was shiny and new but didn't get on with it, but since painting these lads I've given the game another go and I'm glad I did, it's good fast fun but now I can't stop painting warbands so THANKS PAUL!"
- The Tazmanian

Skaeth's Wild Hunt - The Calculator

"If GW persuaded Greek and Celtic mythology to have a weird family, it’s this crew. Centaurs, Michael Flatley hair and a small lion. What else could you want?"
- The Calculator

The Sepulchral Guard - The Juggler

"It has been claimed that the Underworlds Sepulchral Guard are the best skeletons ever sculpted*, and having now finally painted them myself (after buying them the day they came out many moons ago), I have little to add except that they are, in fact, the bomb. Go get you some. Thankyou and goodnight."
- The Juggler
*Rochie Rochfort, 'The Life and Times of a Hunkatronic Manstallion', chapter 69.

Rippa's Snarlfangs - The Cassandra

"Wolves are rad, goblins are rad, goblins riding on wolves was the best thing in the Hobbit and wolf riding goblins were the first miniatures that I ever bought and failed to paint.  That loose end is now tied up".
- The Cassandra

The WUVT project was a success. Experiences were shared and war-names were earned/abitrarily assigned. 

The decision was made to “do this again soon”.

1 comment:

  1. Oof, this post hit me right in the colonoscopy. Time waits for no man, and we don't all get to be the hero of our own story, but pushing me to finally paint those skeletons makes Cheet0r the hero of MY story. We shall return. It will be deeply sexual.